A better day for Logan

His teacher emailed me today to say that Logan had a better day. She gave him a bag of legos to play with when he felt scared and he was fine with that. He cried alittle in the afternoon saying he wanted to go home, but she said he got over it and was fine. She said he still has a hard time with transitions but they will work on that. She said to give him a pat on the back!!! So I am so happy that at least he is improving, even if it is alittle bit. I am going to try to set up a time to talk to the school counselor to see if I can get him an IEP. I'm hoping that they will see the need for it as well. So one day at a time................

Not a good day at school for Logan :(

Well Logan started off really good-he was so excited to get on the bus- and didn't cry or get upset at all. So I was on this high horse all day, then he came home. He was all smiles getting off the bus, and I asked him how school was-he said "Good-but I have to tell you something-I got sent up to the office because I was hitting someone". He said the kids were bothering him and he didn't want to talk to them and they kept talking to him so he hit them. His teacher called me too and said at times he was fine, but when she would talk to him he would scream, and he didn't want to interact with the other kids. I told her that this has always been his problem and that he really lags in his social skills. So she said she would have the school counselor observe him tomorrow and then set up some social skills training for him. She will email me every day to let me know how he did that day. He wants to go back tomorrow and was excited to ride the bus again-telling me that he didn't need me to walk him to his bus stop-he could do it all himself!! So this broke my heart again, but I kinda expected it. At least the teacher is recognizing that he needs help and is willing to work with me and him. I just hope this is what he needs-to have someone help him while in the environment that he has the most trouble with. I hate that he feels like everyone is against him and that he is a bad boy-in his words. I talked with him tonight about how to talk to kids and make friends and if he felt uncomfortable or scared to ask his teacher if he could be alone, and she will let him sit in the back of the class for awhile. I don't know what else to do-this is going to be a long rough year!

I bought him some balloons and a gift to show him how proud of him I was for getting through the first day of school!!!

Logan's First official day of Kindergarten.....

Oh it was not good.......He did okay when we first got there, posing for pictures and even getting kinda excited to go into the room. The teacher had them all do a scavenger hunt for things in the class and he liked that. They she had all the parents filling out papers and wanted to kids to sit on the carpet. He didn't want to go-so I didn't push him , when the teacher talked to him, he screamed. So finally he felt comfortable enough to sit on the edge and listened to her. Then it was time for the parents to go out into another room so the teachers could talk to them, and the kids were to make a art project. That's when all hell broke loose. He screamed that he didn't want me to leave him, even though I told him I was just going outside and I would be back. He cried so hard and it absolutely broke my heart. I finally left the room with him still hysterical and then I lost it. I cried and was so embarrassed, but everyone could hear him and they all were saying-"someones not happy" or "poor boy" and then they saw me. Some of the mother's gave me tissues and told me it was okay. But I still felt so stupid!! He did calm down and then they took them to the cafeteria for cookies and he was fine. He saw a friend from his old school and found out they will be on the same bus together. So we'll see how he does when I have to put him on the bus tomorrow morning. He does seem excited-but still scared. This is so much harder then I thought-I can't stand to see him so scared and upset!

Tomorrow........!!!!!!!

Is the day that Logan officially starts Kindergarten!!!!!!! He is only going for 2 hours and I will be with him, but still-I have such mixed feelings about it. I'm nervous, excited, scared and sad all at the same time. It seems like just yesterday he was born, and my life forever changed. He has been my baby, even after Alex was born, and we share such a special bond. 5 years has just flown by and although he has been in daycare since he was 2, this is different. This is the start of 13 years of school-and with every year, he'll get alittle older, wiser and independent. I worry so much that he won't have a positive experience since I know this will be terrifying for him. I'm sure it is for any Kindergartner, but for Logan-this will be especially hard. But this also might be just what he needs, and can get the help that the day cares just couldn't do. I have to stay strong and positive for him-and be his rock-which is going to be hard.

Wish me luck!!

My Brilliant Idea..............

After seeing the kids getting bored with their sand table, and all the sand pretty much gone, I had decided to fill it up with something else. Someone had suggested rice or beans, for the great textures. So I got a bunch of bags of of lentils and mini lima beans. The kids loved it, they thought it was like little rocks and played with it for a long time.

Well I forgot to put the lid on top a few days and one day Logan runs in and tells me-"Mommy look what happened!!"

Well at least now we've got a whole new type of play-Logan thinks they are going to grow into beanstalks!! Who knows-its kinda neat to see though!!!

OC Baby!!!

We went to Ocean City, MD for the weekend and it was great!! The weather was absolutely perfect, sunny and in the mid 80's. Justin's uncle brought his boat down and the house we were staying at, my SIL's is right on a canal, so Logan was in heaven, being able to fish any time he wanted. On Saturday, Logan and Justin with the guys went out on the boat, and I went with the girls and Alex to the beach. Alex had a great time, chasing the seagulls and jumping the waves. Then we went to the boardwalk and stayed there until midnight!! Alex had a late nap, so he was good. He loved the rides and all the action. Then on Sunday we went out on the boat and found a sandbar to anchor at. It was perfect for the kids-nice shallow water, with lots of little creatures and little waves. We were there all afternoon. Then we came home late last night. I really wish we could have stayed a few days longer. The kids were so good, and we all had a fun time. The best part was the fact that Justin was there with us. He really spent a lot of time with Logan and Alex. I think Alex must have said Daddy a thousand times!! We haven't done anything together as a family since all this started with his back. I was so giddy just seeing how the boys interacted with Justin and the joy it brought him. It was just what we needed to reconnect as a family.

My 3 boys on the boardwalk at midnight!!

I just LOVE this picture of Logan and Alex-brother fishing!

Logan was in heaven!Logan and Alex loved the rides-especially these motorcycles!!Is this boy adorable or what???Jumping waves on the sandbarMommy and Alex getting some sun

Catching hermit crabs

SOOOOO humiliating!!!

I take Alex to the grocery store all the time and he is always fine, he gets his piece of cheese, sings songs and talks to everyone. But today-oh today-some demon took over him!! He starts off by shouting "hi" to everyone who is in sight. That was cute, but then he decides he is going to scream at the top of his lungs, over and over again. I tried covering his mouth, which he just thought was too funny and kept doing it. I tried giving him his pacifier, singing songs with him, I even grabbed a bag of lollipops to give him. He ate the lollipop in silence, but as soon as it was done he started again. By this time people were really staring at me and I was getting really pissed at him. I couldn't take it anymore, so I stopped in the middle of my shopping and ran to the checkout counter. He kept doing it and I couldn't get out of there fast enough!!! I have NEVER had to do that, leave in the middle of something because of him-I think he just was full of energy and loved that it made me mad!! I am not taking him back there for a long time-I might even have to change grocery stores!!!!

Dutch Wonderland

Yesterday we went with some of my friends to Dutch Wonderland, which is a really great place to take younger kids. I've taken Logan there ever since he was 1 and now I take Alex, and they always have a wonderful time. They pretty much went on every ride that they could, Logan even got on the rollar coaster and loved every minute of it. Alex only slept for about an hour, and was excellent for me. It was such a nice, beautiful day, and I just love being able to see the fun and excitement on the boys faces. It reminds me of the joy I had as a child going to these places.

Poor Alex somehow got a big splinter in his hand, which didn't seem to bother him, but I took him to the First Aid center and they got it right out. He was so brave, didn't cry and stayed very still, even the EMT's were impressed!! When they were all done, they clapped and got all excited and said what a big boy he was, Alex looked at them and said "Good Job!!!!"

Alex's new "cage"

WE are rabbit sitting for our neighbors and the boys just love the bunny. She is really tame and like to run around outside. I was trying to get her out and Alex thought he would help me, so he crawled in the cage with the bunny!!! He thought it was so funny! I was afriad he wouldn't get out, and the bunny was like "WTF!" Hey maybe this would be a good idea when I need to contain Alex..........

Oh Brother!!!

I knew when I found out I was having another boy, that there would be that brotherly bond, as well as some all out battles! It was so neat to see Logan and Alex interact, from the beginning. Logan loved his little brother, wanting him to play with him, and sharing all his toys with him. That was of course before Alex cared about Logan's toys. So now as Alex gets older, the feuding has begun. Logan is very particular about his toys, when he is playing them, especially when he builds something. Alex on the other hand, is in destruction mode. So many times Alex will destroy something Logan has worked so hard to build, and the fighting starts. I don't blame Logan for getting mad, but Alex doesn't understand yet. And then there is the little instigator-Alex-who loves, for no reason, to hit, kick or push Logan. No matter how many times I yell at Alex, he still does it, for the simple fact that it makes Logan mad. I don't know how many times I hear-"NO NO Alex-No hit!!!"" followed by cries.

It gets very frustrating, but then there are the times when they are so great together. Logan calls Alex "big boy" and Alex calls Logan "Go-Gan". Logan wants to know where Alex is all the time, and stops him when he is doing something dangerous. He'll often tell me that Alex is so cute, or something he did was so cute, and takes on the big brother role quite nicely. Alex follows Logan around all the time, imitating every noise and action Logan does. For the longest time, Alex would only give kisses to Logan, and thinks Logan is the funniest thing in the world.

So overall, I think they will grow up close, and be best friends, even if they do beat the crap out of each other!

Trapped!!!

First-a little background info-when we switched Alex from his crib to his big boy bed, he kept escaping from him room. So we decided to put a lock on his door, well basically just reversed the door knob so that you can lock it from the outside. It has worked really great, he doesn't even try to open the door, and I feel better knowing he can't wander throughout the house while we sleep!!

So now to today. My poor Logan has been sick all week and finally after taking him to the doctor today, he was diagnosed with walking pneumonia. He is fine, just coughing alot and not getting much sleep. So when we got back from the doctors, he took his medicine and went up to his room to sleep. Meanwhile Alex was napping and I was working. When I heard Alex wake up from his nap, I went up to get him. I opened the door, not switching the lock, and I had the windows open when a big gust of wind came and shut the door behind me, locking us in!!!! Of course-no big deal I thought, I made sure I had a key in his room in case of this exact situation. Oh no-but low and behold-the key wasn't there. Then I remembered that a few weeks ago, Logan locked himself in and found the key to open the door, but never put it back. So here I was with Alex stuck in his room. I started banging on the walls to try to wake up Logan---no such luck. Alex even tried-sounding so cute-shouting "Go-Gan(Logan) open da door!!"" I tried everything-blasting music on the radio, jimmy-ing the lock, even taking off the hinges, but nothing. I even thought about climbing out the window, but we were on the second floor, and knowing Alex, he would follow me right out. I looked at the time and it was 4:30, Justin gets off at 5:00, so I was hoping he would come right home. In the meantime, Alex and I got to spend some quality time together, without interruptions. So after AN HOUR!!! I finally got Logan to wake up and he let us out!! Needless to say, I put the key and the spare in the room, where Logan couldn't get it.

Oh its always an adventure at the Murdy house!!

This was taken just before I went to get Alex-notice the bucket-he was coughing so much he would throw up!! Poor thing!!

Logan

I'm sure every parent who has a child just going into Kindergarten has the same fear and anxieties-will they make friends, will they know where to go, will they like their teachers, etc. But for me, its ALOT more then that.

Logan has always had social problems, mainly in large groups and its made life pretty difficult. I always thought it was just a behavior thing and beat myself up over it all the time. I've tried so many things to help him, but it just always seemed out of his control. It got bad when he started daycare, the way he would act to the other children. He was always getting in trouble, and again, I blamed it on his behavior. He switched to a few different daycares, but never really got better. So we started the testing on him when he was 4 and it was very upsetting and overwhelming. They could never really give me a definite diagnosis, saying he could be ADHD, or it could be Oppositional Defiance Disorder, or Social Anxiety disorder. But that never sat well with me. I just knew my son, and knew something else was going on with him.

Finally someone had mentioned Autism. At first I completely disregarded the thought, because I only knew autism to be one thing-the very severe form of it, which Logan did not come close too. But once I did more research, I learned that there is a wide spectrum of autistic disorders. The one that stuck out was Aspergers, and high functioning autism. The way these disorders were described, it was like they were talking about Logan. I actually felt a bit of relief that maybe it wasn't all Logan's fault, or mine for that matter. He might actually have a disorder that would explain it all.

So now my next step is getting him assessed and evaluated, which is a task in itself. Most place have a waiting list months long to even be seen, and with Kindergarten coming in less then 3 weeks, I am desperate to get him in. So I am doing my homework on the Internet and looking at all the available options for him. I just got a wonderful response back from a place that will do a free screening next week on him. If I can have some information to give to his Kindergarten teachers and principal, they can start setting up an IEP for him and help with the things he might need to make it a more successful experience for everyone.

This has been a very hard thing to deal with, because Logan is very special to me, and I hate to see him scared or upset. I just was school to be a positive experience for him, he is very smart and I have such great dreams for him. He is the sweetest boy and my first baby, and I am determined to do whatever it takes to help him!!!!

Serenity

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.

This is the prayer that I have recited almost every day since January. See I'm not a very religious person-I don't go to church on a regular basis, heck I don't even really know what religion I believe in. What I do believe in is that there is a God and I really don't know what are why he does some things, but that's not for me to question. I admire people who put so much trust into their faith, and how it helps them through rough times. I don't have that, but recently I've discovered that I have something else. Me.

Someone suggested I read the book "The Secret" that Oprah had made famous on her show. I was going through a rough time in life and was so negative and pessimistic. So I read the book and was amazed at how much it inspired me. It was mainly about the power of positive thinking and the law of attraction. It gave ME the power to control what happened, and how to handle it. I really focused on this theory, not really having much to lose and to my surprise it has really helped me through some bad situations. Things still happen, but I can't let them ruin my life and my outlook on life. So this Serenity Prayer, means a lot to me because like it says-"accept the things I cannot change, and change the things I can"---that is where the power of ME comes into place. And also "Living one day at a time, accepting hardships as the pathways to peace"--makes me stop and live for today, knowing that with every hardship, I am getting closer to that peace!

The sweetest place on Earth!!

Well last week I went to Hershey Park with the boys and some of Justin's family. As a child it was my favorite place to go-I mean what can get better then walking candy bars and rides??!!! I wasn't sure what to expect of the kids-I pretty much knew that Alex would love it-all the people, action, water and rides-his perfect day! But Logan-you never know-sometimes he's fine with it all, sometimes its to overwhelming for him. Luckily he had a great day-he really surprised me with what he wanted to do, and how he interacted with everyone. He loved the waterpark, and even went on the River Rapids ride-twice!! All day he kept telling me, he wanted to go on the rollar coaster-I thought, yeah right, he just doesn't understand what it will be like. But as the day went on, he persisted. So finally right before we left, I took him on the Comet-which is the most tame of all of them. We waited for 20 mintues to ride, and the whole time I am trying to figure out how I am going to deal with him after the first drop when he freaks. Well at least the ride only lasts about 2 mintues. So its our turn, and he is still super excited-I was scared shitless! I don't know if its because I'm alot older now, or they changed it, but that damn thing was fast! I mean, really fast, and I look over and Logan is in heaven!! He is screaming and squealing and laughing-loving every second of it. When it was done-Logan looked at me and said "That was awesome!!!"" I was so proud of him-he was so brave and really enjoyed it.

Alex of course-was in his glory-his favorite ride was the frog hopper-he was so funny on it-and went on it like 5 times!! He also loved the water park and did really well despite us being there for 12 hours!!! Yes that's right, we got them at the time they opened, and left as they were closing-but that's what happens when you're having a great time!!

Finally getting to this bloggin' thing!!

Well after reading all my wonderful friends funny and candid blogs, I thought I would try my hand, or rather fingers at it. See I've always kept a journal, which has gotten me in trouble sometimes (sorry Mom and Dad!!) but I just loved how I could write how I felt, at the time and then look back and remember. It's important to me to document my life experiences, so that one day, my kids will look back at it and know exactly what I went through during their pregnancies, and childhood. So now with the lovely revolution of technology, I can type it, although I'm not a very good typer, buts it still better then my chicken scratch!!

So I'm testing this out today, trying to upload pictures and stuff, and hopefully I'll get this thing going!!